Friday, February 1, 2008

When Your Ex Gets Married...oh shit.

How do you react when you find out your ex has gotten married? I hyperventilated then I laughed. Mind you, he and I were together for 2 years. Two very turbulent and fucked up years. We broke up two months ago and this fucker has gone and gotten a chick knocked up and now he's married.

Knowing how our relationship was, I am not sure this chick knows the size of the pile of shit she has just stepped into. Not only does she not know the size of the pile, I have my doubts as to whether she knows the asshole the shit came out of. Pardon my lude references, but gimme a break, ok? I guess instead of writing the advice column this time, I am asking for the advice.

How's best to proceed with this kind of bullshit? My heart is pretty torn at this point and I am pretty fucked up over the whole situation. I did not cry, however, so that's gotta say something. I don't think about him much anymore and I actually feel pretty bad for the sucker he married. She definitely doesn't know what she has gotten herself into...oh well, she's the one gettin' fat now!

Ciao Bellas

Thursday, January 17, 2008

You Fucking Pussy!

The men that I meet are pussies. Meowing, little pussies. Why is it that a man will chat you up in a second but fail to mention that he has a girlfriend? Is it possible to be a dog and a kittie at the same damn time? Apparently, it is.

I recently am single. I have had two long-term relationships tie me up for the past 6 years. Mind you, I am only 25 so I am pretty rusty with the dating scene as of late. Now, I am not gonna lie and say that I haven't had any action since November when my ex and I broke up...( I always say that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else) but shit is a lot different nowdays. Haha, I sound as if I am 40, and I know that 6 years isn't that long ago, but, shit man! The game has definitely changed. Men are different now than when I was 19. Men my age, and I tend to date older guys...the oldest I will usually go is about 31...tend to fall into 1 of 3 categories.

1- Men that are looking seriously for a wife
2-Men that play the "broken-hearted good guy"
3-Men who are freaking out about being a little older and not married yet so they are fucking everything with a face that they meet at a bar to find their wifey.

Now, let me elaborate on each of these individually.

Door number one - The wife searcher, AKA the magnet man. I call these guys the magnet men because they will not stop calling you. They do not take hints and they will cling to you like a fucking dryer sheet in your pant leg. If you are just looking for a cool boyfriend, please sister, steer clear of this disaster. He will have kids names picked out for your future children by date #2.

Door number two- The lonely, heartbroken, "good guy." Most of the time, you will encounter this type of guy at the bar with his buddies. He will tell you what kind of trick-ass hoe his ex is, when, where, how, why and who with she cheated on him and so he's "way over it." He just wants a "good girl" because he is such a good guy and he gets taken advantage of all the time. Come to find out, this swindling son of a bitch has 5 kids with 5 different babies mommas and wants to pretend he is the wounded prey in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks. This man will also never trust you. He believes that all women are triflin' bitches because his ex was. He will forever compare you to his ex and continuously suspect you of cheating...even if you are at fucking work. And you're a tollbooth operator. On a rural road. And you're the only booth or person for that matter for miles and miles...this bitch will find a way to feel constant suspicion about any goddamn thing you say. Please sister, do yourself a favor and save yourself the strife. NEXT!

Door number three- the manwhore. This dude claims he just hasn't found the right girl to settle down with yet, but he has already "settled down" with about 3 of the hoes at the bar already that night! You know the only reason guys say that shit is to make the girl think to herself, "Oh shit! I could be that girl!" Fuck you, you stupid bitch if you ever believe any shit like that coming out of a guys piehole. Guys only throw that out there so you will give them what they want. They want the bootie. Pirate "Arrr" and all. This motherfucker will fuck you and not call you. As a matter of fact, he will run over your senile cat in the middle of the road and hit your mailbox as he is peeling out of your driveway...and still not call you. Keep on truckin' chick, right on past this hot mess.

Now you are probably asking yourself, well, what the fuck, Chuck? Are there any guys that don't fall into any of those categories? Sure, but their gay. HA! Just kidding. Well, at least that is how I feel most of the time. However, I find that the guys that are the best relationship material are guys you can be friends with first...and maybe enjoy some amazing stoner sex with.
I will leave you with this juicy tidbit.

"Much virtue in herbs. Little in men." Benjamin Franklin (That's my boy!)